Following my reflections yesterday about interested detachment, today my thoughts are preoccupied by the essense of a matrix manifestation of this concept in the matrix of dependence, independence and interdependence
Many of us are stuck with the polarity of dependence – independence and in the process of relating we are then presented with a false choice of one or the other. One implies complete freedom from others with decisive self sufficiency. Yet the other implies helpless existence at the mercy of the other. Phrases commonly associated with latter would be ” i can’t live without him, she completes me, we are one now” while the common phrases associated with the former are ” I’m my own woman, I’m the head of the family, it’s my life and i decide”
Those two positions are valid. The important question though is whether or not either is conducive to the complexities of modern relating. Especially where co-operation is necessary beyond just functional/transactional relating. It requires the consciousness to recognize the third position of inter-dependence. The position of interdependence recognizes that the parties to a relationship have first of all an intersection of purposes at some point. Be it in a short or long term. And this then does not lend itself to nice clean options of depending or not depending, but of moment to moment decision of how one needs to relate to the other person for the benefit of the shared fate. As you can tell it then demands that one is constantly checking whether the relationship is purposeful.
It demands evolved skills in communicating one’s needs as well as understanding the other party’s needs through a process listening, reframing and perhaps even paraphrasing. It is about constantly constructing and reconstructing meaning.
This is possibly the reason many of us struggle with relationships, because we are convinced that there’s a template somewhere that will free us from the actual work. Nope!
That’s why i say to people there’s nothing like a “relationship”, as if it is a thing that exists outside of us. There’s a process of relating which acknowledges having to connect with the other is complex and requires clarity about the self and your needs. As well as other-orientation to ensure one is present in every single engagement. It’s with this heightened presence can one eventually grasp the basics of this interested detachment.