It’s not often that I quote Oprah lately. But I feel the theme of the day today is the concept of people and how they think about happiness, and listening to her talk about her latest book on the topic has triggered the consolidation of the thoughts that have been coming together in pieces for me the whole of this month.
For the last two days, perhaps the last week I’m listening to a number of neuroscientists who state that the brain merely predicts what it has experienced before, and when it hasn’t experienced it, it is then experientially blind, but it guesses how to respond.
Of course, this is anxiety provoking as the brain navigates the new experience, and provided that the experience is not overwhelming to panic proportions, new experiences are technically good for the brain and the person they are serving.
I have also been preoccupied the last weeks about the experiences of people who come from unfortunate circumstances across the world – The socially disadvantaged people who are raised by inexperienced parents, people with lower opportunity stimulation, hunger and daily emotional striving and suffering.
But finally, also by the press of mental illnesses that seem to plague communities.
All of this came to a head this morning (forgive the pun) as I was listening to a clip – a reflection I recorded , it sounds like a few years ago , about how many people seem to be stuck in the fantasy that life is a series of unfortunate circumstances that lead to eventual final happiness- that happiness is a destination that others we perceive out there have arrived at and eludes them and therefore, there must be some secret pathway to it.
At least two to three times a year I find myself having to have a whole lecture with one or other young mentees that “happiness” is this destination they need to work hard for – or that they will NEVER achieve because it is meant for some people.
So in this clip I share what is very ancient wisdom really – and that i gradually discovered just close to two decades ago but continues to be an area of exploration:
THERE IS NO DESTINATION CALLED ETERNAL HAPPINESS!
There’s no evidence so far that it exists! Instead, every day you need to grow, learn, strive, achieve or even just survive one more day, but each of those experiences are a seed (or manure? Because sometimes they stink!) to the next experience and the next and the next.
How then people perceive those experiences is entirely up to them. Because experiences themselves have no inherent meaning except the we attribute thereto! This is scary and good at the same time- Scary because if all we know is strife and we believe already that we do not have agency, we are then somewhat destined then to perpetuating the feelings and emotions that we only know- but it is also optimistic because it means that if we shift our belief into understanding that we are constantly co-creating the experiences with the body – then we actually have more power than we really know.
This last week I sat in classrooms with over 150 women, one of the things that struck me as i was speaking to them about how to deal with conflict, both interpersonal and intrapersonal – and that it starts with knowing themselves, I realize that people don’t know themselves at all.
many of us are merely copying the responses that exists in the world without understanding the sources of those responses. A realization we all came to together as I held the mirror to them, was that they don’t know their own values, for example. And since our values are the place we go for making decision about what’ wrong and what’s right, it stands to reason then that we will perceive our options to be limited.
As I exposed them to a vast universe of what they COULD value – and indeed do value but didn’t have the name for it, I could feel a strong sense of relief, and perhaps excitement at the new possibilities.
Tangentially, I was sitting in another classroom with a group of leaders, who had an expert sitting in front of them and feeling perhaps that they are victims of discrimination and being misunderstood, I observed how they were projecting helplessness and hopefulness towards an expert and mentor who is supposed to have ALL THE ANSWERS to their anxiety and growth pains- as if he can solve it right there and they never have to work. Except – that’s a common fantasy many people carry right?
The expert is NOT THEM, and he could never live their lives or solve their problems, only THEY can – in the uniqueness of their journey!
So all of this come back to one cogent thought – the pain and pleasure of our lives is contained in the paradoxes of our existence- we have as much will as we don’t, as much intelligence as we need to solve the next problem that will bring us to the next intelligence, and as such strength to kick the ball to the next nearest goalpost!
But if we don’t believe this, and this is the whole point of this stream of words, then we feel like we have been destined to suffer for the rest of our lives.
The buddhists have called it long ago: The struggle is the way- and as i nicely put it in what egoistically i hope will be the new proverb for the next generations: “Kgaratlho ga se tshotlego, ke botshelo!“
What does this have to do with Oprah Winfrey – well not too much, now that I have followed my own string of thought- but she triggered this exercise to consolidate my thoughts for this whole week.
She says the Oprah Winfrey show was a front row to suffering, and she notes in her latest book on Happiness how many people whenever she would interview would be looking for happiness but had no clue what it means to them. Until she asks them – and I have experienced a lot of the same – as a coach – just the act of getting people to describe their aspirations, and be heard and “allowed” without interference, is a scary and exhilarating experience.
And I have seen how for some people it’s a double edged sword- that now imply that they need to work, and work , and continue working to grow – because the work the coach has done with them- is but the kicking of the ball finally to the next goalpost – only to find that they are now in a middle of the field with the next goalpost ahead- and they have to keep kicking the ball if the next goalpost is what they want – and as I am learning, this does not stop once one is dead – lol! Because the work continues – because it is the journey of the spirit, and the body is a mere temporary container!
Now THAT’s a scary thought!
The Museletter 
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